The Cure To Loneliness - It's not making friends.

The Yarrow Letter

October 21, 2023

In a survey of 2000 Americans of all ages, across all states, 41% reported they had no best friends.

The other day my best friend Cole told me he'd never had a best friend before meeting me.

This was disturbing to hear since I thought everyone had at least one best friend.

Ever since middle school I've had at least 4 best friends.

I went to a private middle school and found my tribe.

Cole grew up in a sketchy part of California, his school of 5000 had police patrolling the halls with ARs - that's how dangerous the school body was.

Although he was on several sports teams throughout the years, Cole never found a deep bond throughout his early years.

The thing that brought Cole and I together was our shared interest for self-actualization, philosophy, and helping others.

If you are contemplating or working towards self-development - prepare for a transition in your social orientation.

With personal development comes loneliness.

When making the hard and healthy lifestyle decisions you'll see that a lot of people aren't driven towards self-actualization.

If you are on track to find peace or to become a leader or creative visionary - you will alienate yourself from a majority of people.

Even if you aren't pursuing personal development, loneliness is still commonplace, especially after the pandemic.

Let's get into it.

Cause of loneliness.

Even for those who have best friends, loneliness prevails.

The cure is not external.

I won't advise that you start going to a yoga class or rock climbing gym to make friends. This will only temporarily distract you from loneliness.

The problem is internal.

Fear of being fully present is what drives us to social activities.

It is the fear of being alone. It is fear of facing the void within.

Deep down, at the end of the day, all that is left is yourself.

You are the one constant presence throughout your life.

Finding peace in being will unlock a state of solitude. This is not the same as loneliness.

Overcoming the fear of being.

In the icy winter winds a motorcyclist must follow safe conduct.

They mustn't clench their muscles or bring their body closer into itself, hiding from the wind.

- this leads to tight and jerky steering.

Instead, they must open up their body and get colder.

The sooner the cyclist accepts their freezing circumstances, the safer they'll ride.

The same principle lies with loneliness.

Now is the time to face it head-on. Saving it for later won't do you any good, it'll likely cause you more harm.

One way is to go out and be alone for days at a time, preferably in nature.

If you can afford it, go out to a reclusive AirBnB for 5-10 days.

You must find waters still enough to see your own reflection.

No technology, no outside communication.

Allow yourself to do things alone, such as visits to the cafe, movies or amusement park.

There's a pressure to do these things "normally" with friends or family, but there is beauty in going alone.

Solitude is the foundation of the self.

Connecting with being sheds light on the beauty of the present moment, regardless of your company.

Your perception is the only one you'll ever know.

Core beliefs shape our thought patterns, which shape our emotions.

Most believe that we are social creatures, but most ignore the deep reflection of the self.

Solitude is the understanding, acceptance, and peace with the individual nature of your reality.

You are alone.

When you are the most scared, most confused, most injured - you will be alone.

Your deepest inner demons must be faced alone. You might talk to a therapist, they might help you navigate your own mind, but they will only ever be a compass to aid you

Even if 100 people surround your deathbed, you will face death alone.

But from this self-acceptance, one branches out into society.

Solitude is the hub from which one operates out of.

As you return home at the end of the day, your self always returns to the hub of solitude.

Seeking peace in solitude is like hunting the whale - finding one’s true self, while most people are fishing for guppies.

The role of life purpose.

Solitude makes a genius.

Draw inspiration from your solitary foundation - and make something for the world.

When you are striving for your purpose you won't feel lonely.

The passion for your purpose will overshadow any fear of missing out on social interactions.

Friends.

I am not saying that you should live as a hermit,

There are great experiences to be had with friends, it's just that they won't alleviate loneliness long term.

On a path of self-development, you might want to help your current friends build themselves up too.

You cannot make someone want something.

You can try to motivate them all you want, but they will not grow unless they come to want on their own.

So as your lifestyle shifts - what are you to do about your friends who keep behaviors that you are breaking off?

People will discredit your good decisions because they fear being left behind.

-You quit smoking and drinking

-friends beg you to reconsider

-after all shouldn't we live a little?

I plan on living a lot, and these substances have no place on that path.

The best choice for me? Stop attending events based on the behavior you are trying to grow out of.

If you are done gossiping about others yet your friends show no sign of awareness of it - you must move on.

If you are serious about personal development you must be willing to make your own way in life.

"Offroading" life.

Don't be afraid to ease up on longtime friendship, each person in your life will come and go like the rising and falling of the tides.

Show me your friends and I'll show you your future.

Dating.

On the path of personal development - finding friends and partners who share your lifestyle aspirations will be rare.

The average age to get married is 27, this means plenty of people will be getting married in their early 30s.

This is fine.

Many report that they haven’t had their first kiss in their mid-20s, and they worry that they will be single forever.

Provided that you are working on yourself to make yourself desirable in a relationship - it will happen.

The painful factor is time.

There's no way around it, you must accept that it could take years to find a partner.

So set a goal to find a partner in 5 years, before you know it, you may have a partner in 2.

Or it may take 7 years, there is no guarantee.

Don't get in a relationship or stay in one if your partner is going to hold you back. The same goes for friends.

Finding someone who will support you in the right way will be hard. I haven't yet glimpsed this myself.

To those feeling jaded about finding a partner or a friend, think about your test pool.

If you've gone on 10 very unsuccessful dates, don't get bogged down!

10 might feel like a lot from your perspective, but consider giving yourself the time for more.

What if you went on 50 dates, 100?

Those 10 failures have not proved that you are undesirable, it proves that finding a partner is not easy.

Like any good thing - this will take time and effort.

With that alloted time, build your self foundation.

Only when you are overflowing with love for life, self, and purpose, will others be able to drink from the overflow of love coming from you.

Love from another will not fill the emptiness you feel.

The hole is from a lack of self-esteem.

Here is my letter on self-esteem:

https://the-yarrow-letter.beehiiv.com/p/building-self-esteem-foundation-selfdevelopment 

The moral of the story: loneliness doesn’t have to be permanent.

May you have a healthy journey.

Time for another song!

This one has a special place in my heart.

From the game “Ori And The Will Of The Wisps”

The Luma Pools are a fantastical aquatic/jungle-like environment.

The trees in this environment remind me of the Lorax.

I prefer to sit or lie down with my eyes closed as I listen to this song.

-I let life fall away for a moment and paint a picture to the music.

This song can bring you on a journey.

I hope you enjoy.

-Yarrow Achillea