My Self-Esteem Journey - How I became free

The Yarrow Letter
September 23, 2023

I haven’t felt depressed since I embodied one of the 6 pillars of self-esteem.

-The practice of personal-responsibility.

Let me show you how I got there.

March 2020:
As a sophomore in high school at this time I was an awkward yet socially ambitious kid. I tried being someone I wasn’t to get validation from others.

After that didn’t work I resigned myself to stay within my small group of friends. I realized that this was healthier, I could be myself within my tribe.

But I still felt lost, I didn’t have a deep bond with these friends at the time. I didn’t fit in anywhere.

With this came existential dread and loads of other insecurities. I was scared of the future and the responsibility of living for myself.

Then lockdown started. This was the turning point for my mental health. While I had loads of insecurities and existential dread- the loneliness I felt in that summer was crippling.

September 2020:
I was a “square” until that Fall, then I started drinking and smoking at parties.
All to numb the feelings that were warning me to change.

For the next two years, my mental health rapidly declined as I made worse decisions. Tensions rose in my relationship with my dad, my substance abuse got out of hand.

July 2022:
It was the summer after graduating high school. My self-esteem was at rock bottom. I felt worthless.

I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that it’d be better if I weren’t around. I based my self-esteem on the approval of others, and specifically my dad.

Then one of our arguments placed the final straw.
I lived the next day like it was my last.

Of course, I was scared, so as a last-ditch effort I called my friend.

“Hey J what are you doing tonight? You wanna hang out?”

A pretty casual request for the gravity of my situation, but my best friend knew.
His company saved me that night.
The next day I moved out of my dad’s house and picked up the pieces of my life.

November 2022:
Now living on my own at university, I began to grow and regain my sense of self.

One night on a magic mushroom-fueled longboarding sesh - I felt so much love for life, for the first time in a while.

My thoughts went to my dad’s approval and acceptance, and I was able to separate my self-esteem from that acceptance. I learned how to generate my own acceptance and begin loving my life.

June 2023:
At this point my new close friends had given me hope for my future, their optimism gave me the courage to believe in my life purpose.

Along with this new courage and a reconciliation with my dad, I was reaching new heights.

All of this came to a point when I saw King Gizzard and The Lizard Wizard this June. With a little psychedelic push, I was infused with self-responsibility.

Let me explain.

KGLW is my favorite band, and they started playing “Change” during that show. This is one of my favorite songs since it embodies the energy of my changing life.

As the crowd and band started chanting: CHANGE! CHANGE! CHANGE!
A new feeling came over me. It was an emotion like no other I had felt.

“Nothing will change if I do not act” - I said to myself

In this moment I felt the spirit of the crowd and the band behind that chant.

I resolved myself and wholeheartedly took my life into my own hands. I understood that no one was coming to alleviate my responsibility.

The responsibility for the outcomes of my life.

After letting this determination sit concretely in my being, I felt as if I were a sword cutting through the air as I walked.

Since then I have not had any depressive episodes.

An analogy:

To visualize what I was feeling during that entire process I like to summarize with my Zelda analogy.

If you are familiar with “hit points” or ”health” in video games this will make sense.

During the intro cutscenes of the sequel to Legend Of Zelda: Breath Of The Wild, Ganon catches the hero Link off guard.

Link at the time was at full strength, he had the maximum amount of heart containers. If you’ve ever played a Zelda game you’ll know that it takes many trials to strengthen Link’s health points.

As Ganon lands a critical attack - Link loses nearly all of his heart containers.
In July of 2022, the heart containers of my sense of self were similarly annihilated.

Practicing the pillars of self-esteem and having psychedelic experiences were the keys to regaining my hearts.

Now bear with me - Link needs 13 hearts to wield the bane of darkness: The Master Sword. This legendary weapon is Link’s counterpart, just as he is known for his green tunic. Think King Arthurs's Excalibur, Iron Man’s suit, or Thor’s hammer - in terms of significance.

The moment when I adopted personal-responsibility was my Master Sword moment. Still - I recognize that I have so much more room to grow.

Owning personal-responsibility has freed me. My current outlook on life is the most positive and optimistic I have ever held.

Since that moment I have been able to make previously difficult decisions with ease. Like quitting drinking and smoking for good.

The non-negotiable key to the good life.
Does my story align with yours? I hope not, I hope you never sink into despair as I did. But just as I am growing, I know you can grow too.

Today I am practicing all six pillars of self-esteem to take my life to the next level.
I see now that these practices are the defining factor of our life trajectory.

• The practice of consciousness

• Self-acceptance

• Personal-responsibility

• Self-assertiveness

• Life purpose

• Personal-integrity

What will you do? If I can level up, then surely you can too.

I believe in you.

I’ll be sending out an extensive breakdown on self-esteem tomorrow morning, in that letter you will find actionable practices to build your self-esteem. 

On psychedelics:
If the mention of psychedelics is conflicting or concerning to you - please consider this podcast.

Dr. Robin Carhart-Harris and Dr. Andrew Huberman discuss the recent studies proving ways psilocybin therapy has cured chronic depression.

As always, thank you for reading.

To a life well-lived.

-Yarrow Achillea